Sitting With My Life Lately
Sitting With My Life Lately
This week has been… a lot.
If I could sum it up in one phrase, it would be this: a roller coaster of ganaps, emotions, and unexpected healing. Honestly, I didn’t expect much from this week. I had a lot of things on my to-do list (some I did, most I didn’t), but instead of beating myself up for it, I’m choosing to just sit with it all. No filters. Just honesty.
Let’s rewind a little.
Monday: Starting with Pressure
The week started with an interview for our psych assessment class. You know when you wake up and immediately feel like you have to perform? That’s how it felt. But I pushed through. I showed up, even if I wasn’t at my best. Sometimes, that’s enough.
Tuesday: Academia and Adulting
Tuesday was surprisingly productive—finally. I finished our requirements for Psychological Assessment and Intro to Clinical Psych. I had been putting these off for a while (classic me), but I did it. That sense of checking things off my list gave me a weird sense of peace. Like, “Okay, maybe I’m not failing at life.”
But the real win that day? I had meaningful conversations with my family.
Conversations That Feel Like Home
This week, I talked more with my family than I have in a while. Not just small talk, but actual conversations—with humor, with heart, with shared laughter over things that don’t even make sense sometimes. And that felt new. Not forced. Not awkward. Just… real.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to enjoy being around them more. I'm not just surviving in this house—I’m slowly connecting.
Maybe that’s growth.
Wednesday: Routine and Rebellion
Wednesday came and went like a blur. I still did some of my work (bare minimum, but still). But then, I did something totally out of routine: I went swimming… overnight.
Spontaneous, a little chaotic, but needed.
It reminded me of something important: my life doesn’t have to revolve around productivity all the time. Sometimes, just living is enough. Breathing, laughing, floating in water like a soggy French fry—those things keep me going too.
Thursday: Intimacy and Inner Dialogue
Now this day? It was layered.
On the surface, it looked like a pretty normal day. I did some work, cleaned a bit, you know—basic maintenance of life. But at night, I shared a moment of intimacy with someone. We had sex, but it wasn’t just about the act. There was connection. There was presence. We talked for hours before it happened, and honestly, I think that made it special.
But here’s the twist: after it happened, I felt a wave of discomfort.
And I still don’t fully understand why.
Was it shame I’d internalized growing up? (Hello, conservative upbringing and sex negativity). Or maybe it was my body telling me something—like “Hey, that wasn’t fully aligned?” But then again, wasn’t it?
The confusing part is, I craved that intimacy. My body wanted to be held, to feel someone near, to be vulnerable and open. So why the heavy feeling after?
I don’t have all the answers. But I’m learning to sit with the confusion. To let it speak, not silence it. Maybe healing means embracing both the moments that make sense and the ones that leave me speechless.
One thing I know for sure: it wasn’t just about sex. It was about connection. And that part? I’m grateful for.
Friday: Domesticity, Friendships, and Quiet Gratitude
Friday felt like a small, peaceful victory.
I cooked. I did the laundry. I had a heartwarming talk with my family again. And in the afternoon, I hung out with my ex-dormmates. That sense of comfort from people who’ve seen you at your worst—bedhead, stressed out, half-asleep during 9 a.m. classes—is something else. There’s peace in being known.
There was no money earned. No big academic breakthroughs. But somehow, my spirit felt full.
The Bare Minimum Isn’t Failure
Here’s something I’ve been holding onto this week:
I am not doing well academically—but I am not falling apart either.
I’ve been doing the bare minimum lately, and yes, I’ve been using AI to get through some of the tasks. But instead of feeling like a fraud, I’ve decided to shift the narrative:
I’m doing what I can, with what I have, given where I am.
And that, in this season of my life, is enough.
There’s a strange sense of peace in knowing I’m not chasing perfection anymore. I’m just trying to stay grounded. I’m just trying to be here.
Porn-Free, and Proud
It’s been over 8 days since I last watched porn. That might not seem like a big deal to some, but for me? It’s a huge milestone. I’ve been trying to reconnect with my body, not in a hyper-sexualized way, but in a gentle, intimate, and present way.
I’m learning how to sit with urges without numbing them. I’m learning how to choose connection over consumption. And that? That’s progress.
Social Media: Self-Expression or Validation?
Lately, I’ve been showing up a lot on social media—especially Instagram. I post a lot, sometimes overshare (hello again), and sometimes I pause and wonder:
“Am I doing this for validation? Or is this my way of expressing myself?”
I think the answer is: both.
I want to be seen. I want to be heard. But not just by strangers—I want myself to see me too. My posts are little love letters to the version of me that’s still learning to take up space. Still learning to say: “I exist, and I matter.”
Even with my TikTok content—although I’ve been slacking because of my hectic schedule—I still show up. Even if the quality isn’t like before (shoutout to my peak era last February), I’m still there. Still trying. Still creating.
That counts.
Self-Doubt Creeping In
Being around my classmates a lot lately has stirred up some self-doubt.
There’s this weird fear: What if they see my TikTok videos? What if they judge me for talking about personal growth and healing and all that “cringe” stuff?
But then I remember: I’m not doing this for them.
I’m doing it because it’s what keeps me alive. I’m doing it because maybe, just maybe, someone out there is listening and feeling a little less alone. And even if it’s just one person? That’s enough.
I remind myself constantly: They won’t harm me. I inspire them. Even if they don’t say it. Even if they never will. I’ll keep speaking my truth, because it’s mine.
Final Thoughts: Loving Myself Through It All
This week wasn’t picture-perfect. I missed deadlines. I didn’t fulfill some of the promises I made to myself. I felt uncomfortable, confused, exhausted, and unsure.
But I also laughed with my family. I reconnected with friends. I allowed intimacy to be soft and healing. I cooked my own meals. I washed my clothes. I didn’t watch porn. I showed up for myself.
And that? That’s a good week.
I’m learning that being alive doesn’t always mean being productive. Sometimes, it just means being present. Listening to your body. Honoring your boundaries. Owning your desires, even the confusing ones. Choosing softness over shame. Creating without applause. Loving yourself, especially when you feel undeserving.
So if you’re like me—somewhere in between chaos and calm, unsure but still standing—this is your reminder:
You are doing better than you think. You are allowed to be a work in progress. And your life, right now, is still worthy of gratitude.
Here’s to more weeks like this. Not perfect ones. But real ones.
-------
✅ Join My Free Weekly Growth Emails A free weekly email for your personal growth journey. Every week, I’ll share a quick hit of real talk, reflections, and mindset tools to help you grow from the inside out. Think of it as your midweek check-in — honest, motivating, and made to move you forward. 💌 One email. Once a week. No fluff — just fuel for your evolution. 👉 Just click the link below and sign up — it's totally free. 🙌
Comments
Post a Comment